Look, I miss Aric more than anyone. His sassy charm. His charming sass. I’m even a little bummed that nobody ever calls me and Rune brothers or mistakes me for the other employees any more.

But he’s gone now (abducted by wizards) and somebody has to manage this damn bar so, in a dictatorial style I’ve always known I was capable of, I’ve elected myself.

First order of business: review the beer. I want to bring in some deep cuts, flavor-wise. It’ll be only high potency micro-brews, all saint’s tears and artisinal owl pellets for us around here from now on. So I hit up the fresh sheets. Did you know they make a guide the size of a phone book just for beers I could buy? What a country!

Under my new regime, we’ll be bringing back some old favorites like Odin’s Gift and Green Goblin and unleashing a whole new mess of beers like Velvet Merlin, Sharkinator, and DJ Jazzy Hefe, whose too-clever-by-half names alone will have you reaching for a palate cleanser. And lets not forget those ghost pirates.

My second order of business? The business. Why is our menu all cluttered up with all these different prices? Who’s benefiting from all of this double-entry deviancy? After asking the hard questions and pounding on that bottom line, I’ve decided, all on my dictatorial own, to standardize pricing. That’s right! All of our 12oz beer, cider, and any pour of wine are now ONLY $5! It makes counting drinks easier for me and drinking them cheaper for you. There’s the invisible hand of the economy for you!

“But what about our Rainier?!”, I hear you crying out from beyond the vast reaches of the internet as if someone just blew up Alderaan again or something. Well never fear, I tell you! The Emperor of Beers lives on in his gold and white aluminum throne! $3 Tall Boys for everybody! May Yakima Valley Hops have mercy on us all.

So eat, drink, and be merry my lovely patrons, and know that my rule as bar manager is only just beginning.

Just wait until you see the new Tip Wars.