Well, I promised the shop owner, Lando, that I’d do a prerelease primer for Magic: The Gathering’s latest set, Amonkhet, so here it is you savages.
Amonkhet is a gorgeous Egyptian-themed Magic world full of deserts, mummies and symbology devoted to
Lex Luthor Nicol Bolas. But most of you probably know all of that, and you’ve likely all seen the complete spoiler at this point, and if you’re familiar with the kind of Magic-related writing I do, you likely understand that I’m not really here to talk to you about strategies or strongest colors or bomb rares to relish in your prerelease pool.
No, no friends! I’m here to announce the launch of the latest Raygun social media entity, We Rate (MTG) Gods.* It’s a hot, up-and-coming Twitter feed** devoted to ranking all the glorious gods of Amonkhet based on strict and scientifically rigorous criteria to help you determine which one of Amonkhet’s five deities would make the best pet to bring home from your local god rescue. Gods will be ranked on a scale from 1-10, with 1 being the least-good and 10 being the goodest. LIke I said, it’s very scientific. I could go into the incredibly technical details of how we developed our patented*** God Scale (TM), but I’ll save you the jargon-y lecture so we can get straight into the rating process! Let’s get started, shall we?
God #2: Oketra the True
Oketra is a pretty not-little kitty cat with 27 words in her text box! That’s some very advanced vocabulary you’ve got there, Oketra! But would such a wordy kitty make a good pet for you and your family? Let’s break it down below
PROS: Clearly box-trained (you can tell by the artwork), hypo-allergenic (again, you can tell by the artwork), probably not too much of a shedder, also v pretty
CONS: Many stories tall (so you’d need a big backyard or some HEFTY vaulted ceilings to house her), only poops out stupid warriors instead of adorable cats, probably makes some really nasty hairballs (refer once more to artwork), difficult to pet b/c large, flow-y robe
GOD RATING: 11/10 it’s hard to say no to an immortal bipedal cat
GOD #2: Kefnet the Mindful
Kefnet is a 90-foot-tall crane-thing with some v intimidating wings and a very tall staff made for bonking dunces in the math classes he’s clearly teaching as a side hustle. Kefnet has 33 words in his text box, which is 32 more words than a dumb birb really needs if you ask me (flying is the ONLY word a birb needs and I WILL FIGHT YOU). I’m gonna tell you right now that Kefnet would not make a great house pet, on account of being gigantic and also birbs are terrible, but I’ll break it down for you below just in case you don’t want to take my word for it.
CONS: Birbs have to be written into your will (inconvenient!), a Kefnet-sized birb cage would cost a large fortune, math is dumb, his robe is v plain and boring, feathers everywhere, birb poo everywhere, birbs are seriously terrible
GOD RATING: 2/10 would not recommend as a pet tbh
GOD #3: Bontu the Glorified
Bontu wants you to believe she’s a big scary crocodile but the reality of the situation is that some heartless jerk flushed her down a toilet in Queens when she was a wee-little god-croc and she’s been desperately searching for a forever home ever since. Bontu has 33 words in her text box but unlike that horrible birb monster Kefnet 33 words is a v appropriate amount of words for a giant cuddly crocodile god who is impeccably dressed and whose Instagram photos always look great with her trademark moonlit filter.
PROS: Giant crocodile, great as a home security system/pet combination, v stylish, not a picky eater, likes baths
CONS: Scaly exterior is not great for pets, robe is dry-clean only
GOD RATING: 12/10 she’s a v good crocodile I would def recommend adopting yrself a Bontu
GOD #4: Hazoret the Fervent
Hazoret is a dog-god and a doggone good one at that. She has 28 words in her text box and that is THE PERFECT AMOUNT for a PERFECT ANIMAL. FUN FACT: Hazoret is half-god half-border collie half-golden retriever and all delightful puppy love all the time and I feel like you don’t need me to explain why she’s great but I’ll do it anyway as that’s the job I’m here to do.
PROS: GIANT DOG, v good at fetch, always excited, loves neck scritches, housebroken, v floofy underneath her v stylish dress
CONS: ARF ARF ARF (that’s dog speak for NONE)
GOD RATING: 14/10 WHAT A GREAT DOG/GOD SHE IS
GOD #5: Rhonas the Indomitable
Rhonas is a big cuddly snek and if you don’t believe sneks are cuddly well you’re right but also he threatened me if I didn’t say he’s cuddly SO YES ACTUALLY RHONAS IS V CUDDLY (please don’t hurt me, large snek-god friend). Rhonas likes long slithers on the beach and is prone to flicking his snekky tongue when excited or happy (it’s kind of like purring except waaaaay creepier tbh). Rhonas has 31 words in his text box and that’s cool because 31 is a prime number and I’m kind of just vamping for time here out of fear of snek-god retribution if I don’t make his description as long as his god-piers’ descriptions.
PROS: Makes his own new coat every year via molting, omnivorous, fond of prime numbers, hypnotic glowing green eyes that can be used as a night light when you have to go pee at 2 a.m., other snek things I guess
CONS: THERE ARE MANY BUT I’M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THEM B/C SNEK COERCION
GOD RATING: 10/10 b/c even at their worst and most threatening sneks are five times gooder than birbs (this is fact)
GOD #6: Sacred Cat
Don’t be fooled by the fact that Sacred Cat’s creature type is “cat” and not “god” as THAT’S JUST A RUSE to throw you off of the true ruler of Amonkhet (which is this cat) (Whose name is Judith Light****, in case you were wondering).
PROS: JUST LOOK AT HER
So there you have it, folks – your comprehensive guide to this weekend’s Amonkhet prerelease. I’ll be judging all four flights we’re running this weekend (Saturday and Sunday at noon and 5 p.m. – make sure to sign up in advance for a sweet $5 discount on your entry fee), and esteemed Wizards of the Coast employee/spellslinger will be taking on all challengers and handing out prize packs all day Saturday. Cycling is a great limited mechanic and gods make the greatest pets of all (except Kefnet because AGAIN I SAY BIRBS ARE TERRIBLE), and I cannot wait to see you all there.
*Not a real Twitter, and definitely not owned/created by myself or anyone else at Gamma Ray Games
**Seriously it’s not a real Twitter feed it’s a dumb gimmick I’m using as a through-line joke for this rant
***We def did not patent the God Scale, sorry for the lil’ fib U.S. Patent and Trademark Office
****Not verified as Sacred Cat’s name, but you can’t tell me it isn’t the perfect name for her