Look, I miss Aric more than anyone. His sassy charm. His charming sass. I’m even a little bummed that nobody ever calls me and Rune brothers or mistakes me for the other employees any more.

But he’s gone now (abducted by wizards) and somebody has to manage this damn bar so, in a dictatorial style I’ve always known I was capable of, I’ve elected myself.

First order of business: review the beer. I want to bring in some deep cuts, flavor-wise. It’ll be only high potency micro-brews, all saint’s tears and artisinal owl pellets for us around here from now on. So I hit up the fresh sheets. Did you know they make a guide the size of a phone book just for beers I could buy? What a country!

Under my new regime, we’ll be bringing back some old favorites like Odin’s Gift and Green Goblin and unleashing a whole new mess of beers like Velvet Merlin, Sharkinator, and DJ Jazzy Hefe, whose too-clever-by-half names alone will have you reaching for a palate cleanser. And lets not forget those ghost pirates.

My second order of business? The business. Why is our menu all cluttered up with all these different prices? Who’s benefiting from all of this double-entry deviancy? After asking the hard questions and pounding on that bottom line, I’ve decided, all on my dictatorial own, to standardize pricing. That’s right! All of our 12oz beer, cider, and any pour of wine are now ONLY $5! It makes counting drinks easier for me and drinking them cheaper for you. There’s the invisible hand of the economy for you!

“But what about our Rainier?!”, I hear you crying out from beyond the vast reaches of the internet as if someone just blew up Alderaan again or something. Well never fear, I tell you! The Emperor of Beers lives on in his gold and white aluminum throne! $3 Tall Boys for everybody! May Yakima Valley Hops have mercy on us all.

So eat, drink, and be merry my lovely patrons, and know that my rule as bar manager is only just beginning.

Just wait until you see the new Tip Wars.

On January 16th, we’re going to once more power up the Large Cardboard Collider and smash some faces together as close to the speed of light as we can manage without unintentionally opening a black hole that devours the entire world from inside out.

That’s because once more it’s Pre-Release time! And with Oath of the Gatewatch we’re going to confirm the recent discovery of colorless mana. I say confirm because of course it was always assumed to exist.

The Standard Particle Model of Magic the Gathering is one of my new favorite parts of the game. As the design space fills, Rosewater et al. tread further into the strange and exotic combinations which previously would have been considered ““.

Nothing is impossible! The impossible is merely the the blood on the knife’s edge of Magical Science! We’ve always known about Manlands, but what about basic land type keyed, always on manlands? We’ve got that. Artifact Creatures? What about Enchantment Creatures! Enchantment Everything!

And as we build bigger Cardboard Accelerators, we can look to the future. Enchantment lands, Creature Instants… Instant Sorceries! Redundant you say? Covered by existing keywords? This is merely the mathematical hand waving of a curve fitting quitter! Even the format of our pre-release is predicted by organic carbon chain multiplayer. Two-Headed Giant? Why not Eight?!

You too can join us in our relentless pursuit of collectible card truth. We’ll be hosting three rounds of experiments (scientific method, you know): One at noon on Saturday the 16th, another at 5pm on that same Saturday, and one at noon on Sunday the 17th. Participation in the raw exhilaration of laboratory gameplay is a mere $30.

So remember, when things change in the wide world of Magic and people grumble: the rules aren’t really changing. We just collected more evidence is all.